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9th Step

The 9th step in 12-step programs is to make direct amends to all the people we’ve harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. This doesn’t sound easy, and frequently it isn’t. One of the things that makes the 9th step difficult is that the people one needs to make amends to are often angry or difficult to approach. In this situation, talking to others who have experience with carrying out the 9th step can be invaluable. However, in dealing with particularly volatile or long-standing problems, especially with family members, additional help may be useful in easing the process. One way to get help is to use mediation.

Mediation was developed specifically to resolve interpersonal conflict. It involves a structured process in which each party tells their story, followed by a discussion of the issues each party raises. The goal of the mediator is not to judge or diagnose or treat, but rather to help the parties understand each other by engaging in open dialog, and if possible to forge a joint vision for their relationship in the future. The success rate of mediation in helping parties reach agreement is very high, and often in the process the magic of forgiveness and reconciliation are made possible.

In cases where the person or people who we need to make amends to are very angry or reluctant for other reasons to talk to us, mediators can also provide coaching as to how to approach them and how to communicate in a way that makes it easier for them to hear us.

As difficult and painful as carrying out the 9th step may be, it offers many benefits. One of the greatest benefits may be peace of mind. Making amends is a step that often allows us to breathe more easily and sleep more peacefully at night. This is especially so if making amends leads to forgiveness. Both giving and receiving forgiveness have been shown to benefit physical health as well as lightening anxiety and depression. Engaging in the process of making amends is truly a contribution to others as well as to ourselves.

Amends accepted

Sober Mama,

Thank you for your email and sincere message. I appreciate the energy you have taken to write me and I wish you continued healing and a prosperous life.

What's ridiculous, after all this time, is that I still feel quite emotional about the series of events that caused my move from the apartment, sadly, there are friends I never spoke to again and rehashing the events, which I've started and stopped attempting... is exhausting honestly. I'm sure after all this time I've forgotten much of the point anyway and share responsibility for how the events unfolded as much as I hate to admit that.

It seems appropriate to let things go especially as we enter middle age (dear god) and move on, perhaps this is nice closure.

You must know I've thought of you often over the years as I still have the mixed tape you made me, and I've considered downloading itunes to get the same mix on CD. Especially now that my dilapidated Volvo's tape radio system has been refurbished with a fancy CD player. A few years ago I even made a copy for my mother who also enjoys the compilation.

This email flows a little better now as it began rather cathartic. Funny how we hold on to events in our life as they are certainly lessons that we should learn from.

This is an interesting vehicle for reaching out to old friends and colleagues, I've been surprised now a couple of times seeing the faces of individuals I hadn't thought of in awhile.

Again, I appreciate your effort at reconciliation.

Be well, Friend


And my subsequent reply:


Dear Friend,

Thanks for your reply and for being receptive to my apology. I'm so sorry that your move from the apartment way back when resulted in a loss of friendships for you. I didn't know that. Loosing connections with people we care about is always painful, and I speak from experience around that. If you feel it would be helpful for you to go into greater detail around the events of the past, please know that is fine with me as I have little recall but would probably remember if reminded. It's amazing to me how much of my 20's seemed to be experienced in some kind of blackout.

I have had to learn to let go of resentments and things in the past that I don't have any control over. This includes many people and events that were toxic and painful. I have had in some situations to create my own closure, which has been challenging but the peace that it has brought to my life makes it worth the effort.

Wherever possible, though, I believe that closure is so healthy and is of genuine benefit to both parties. Again, I am sorry for hurting you and if I was a party in causing you to loose connection with some good friends, I am also very sorry for that.

I too have found FB to be interesting, I especially enjoy seeing the pictures of people I haven't seen in years. Most of us have married and have children, "real" jobs and lives, and generally seem to have grown up. Amazing that we all survived our childhoods and adolescence! I can't seem to bring myself to embrace the concept of "middle age" tho.

I'm glad you're still enjoying the mix that I made for you. I want you to know that you were a very special friend to me at a difficult and turbulent time in my life, and I also had a lot of fun with you. I remember you as being full of life and positive energy much of the time. Please give my best wishes to your mom, who I also remember with fondness. I have vivid memories of her pailla and that giant pan! Yummy!

Peacefully,
SM

Amends

Dear old friend with whom I have had no contact for many (15+) years,

I'm fairly certain that I owe you an apology, although to be honest I don't recall the exact details around why that is. But I can tell you that when you and I were friends, back in the early to mid 90's, I was in the process of becoming an alcoholic and addict. During that time, I made a lot of bad choices and I did a lot of things to a lot of people that were less than admirable. I am sure I behaved in a manipulative, self motivated way towards you and I need to take responsibility for that.

I have been in recovery and sober now for 9 years and have moved on with my life in a positive way. Please know that I am honestly sorry for my behavior and for any pain it might have caused you. I wish you nothing but the best that life has to offer and much happiness with your beautiful family.

Me

Life in the time of transitions

"Transition" is defined as "a passage: the act of passing from one state or place to the next". I guess I'm constantly in a state of transition. I wish that I could push the pause button sometimes, so I can get slowly acclimated to the states a little bit at a time. Kind of like when you go swimming on a not too hot day, or the water is kind of colder than you expected, and you get in little by little. I guess plunging in is usually better since you're going to get wet anyway.

I went to a really good meeting last night. There was a woman there who has been sober for a number of years and she is in a lot of pain because her grown son is an active alcoholic and he can't get sober. He has just lost his sight and is now blind due to his disease. It is her deepest wish that he get sober and experience some joy before he dies. Her pain was tangible. She doesn't understand why she got sober and he can't.

Why do some of us find our way out of the madness of active addiction and others don't? I know this is an unanswerable question, better left up to others with more spiritual wisdom or insight than me. Practicing detachment around this is really hard, and the closer I am to a person who can't get sober the more painful it is to watch. I am grateful that no members of my immediate family (still living) are in this situation right now. My sister in law was but she has already died. Dying at age 41 from complications directly related to alcoholism. She tried to get sober and just couldn't get it. Watching my husband and his mother and brother go through that was horrible. Finding out about her death devastated us. What a waste of a life, of a vibrant spirit. I miss you JCB and I know you are watching over my children.

My greatest blessings

What a stressful week I've had. My oldest child is starting kindergarten in a couple of weeks, and although I knew this would be challenging and a transition for both of us, I grossly underestimated how much it would affect me. I feel like I"m in mourning for her babyhood.

We also are in the process of changing childcare providers for our girls. Logistical issues have dictated the need for this, as the existing childcare arrangement is in a neighboring town, not convenient to the new school. Finding daycare has been a challenge and more stressful than I thought. Again, I underestimated myself and the situation. I have found a good situation and I'm in the process of checking the last of the references. So far it all looks good although I got a scare yesterday around it. I guess there was a rumor about the quality of care at the place we're considering, and when I learned about that I totally fell apart. I was crying at the daycare center and couldn't manage to go to work until I collected myself. I've been on the emotional edge lately anyway, so it's time for the tears to flow.

I just feel a lot like a juggler these days, a juggler with too many balls in the air. And I've been functioning in the mode of "do it yourself" which is dangerous for me. I always need to ask for help, to remember to reach out to my support network, to cry on the shoulders of my women friends. I finally did that on Wednesday night at a woman's AA meeting. About 6 of the women stayed after the meeting and listened to me cry and talked to me for an hour. I've never had that experience before and it was wonderful. These women and this program is such a blessing in my life.

I'm grateful. Money is tighter than ever, but I'm starting to see progress on the home front. Hubby is ready to change his ways in terms of how he lives, cleaning up, putting things away, and the like. I am rejoicing. Let the sky open up and the angels sing! Have a good weekend. I'll try to post again soon.

Here are two of my greatest blessings.

Definition of Success

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I am trying to be aware of everything I do and say, and try to be sure that what I put out into the universe is as real as it can possibly be. I am also trying to keep it as positive as I possibly can. If I can do this, and make it through my life taking as much care of others as I can while still maintaining healthy boundaries for myself, I feel that might be getting pretty close to my definition of success.

A letter to my half brother (20 yrs my junior)

Hi J-
We leave for our camping trip day after tomorrow. I don't remember if I told you that we go to Maine every year for a week with the kids. This is the first year we'll be out of a tent, we got a pop up camper and I'm very psyched that I won't be sleeping in dirt! We go to Freeport, which is right on Casco Bay and since we live in the mountains its a big treat to go to the ocean, I miss it so much!

I wanted to just check in with you around the whole dad thing and apologize again for my awkward, casual mention of things. I really should have (and probably still should) just picked up the phone and called you (although I don't know if I have your number). I must admit it feels a bit daunting to speak with you on the phone and that's not a medium I am nearly as comfortable with as writing. Can you identify??

I feel compelled to connect with you around what is happening with dad and let you know that of all the people on the planet, I am probably one of the few that might understand how you feel, or the strange combination of feelings you're experiencing when you choose to think about him. I want you to know that if you ever find yourself thinking that no one understands how you feel, I understand. If you want to talk about it, I am here.

My thoughts about it are, of course, conflicted. But in a lot of ways I feel this is the karmic wheel turning for him. He put so much negative shit out into the world for so many years, now he's getting it back. He is a sad person. One of the strongest feelings I have for him now is pity. He had so many opportunities to be "a part of" so many wonderful things in my life, and he chose not to allow himself that pleasure. Instead he continued year after year to choose negativity and anger over the love of his daughter and first son. He is an example in many ways of what I don't want to be. It's kind of funny how the role models I got were of what I don't want to aspire to, not the other way around...

I believe that he tried to the best of his ability to make amends for what he did to me, but his capability to accept responsibility for his own behavior and choices has always been limited at best. One of the things that I have learned is that I have to accept what is, since I have no power to change it. And if I try to change it I am wasting my time and energy, and I will end up disappointed. Our father will not change and will never be who we wish he could be. It is our challenge now and for the rest of our lives to come to terms with that and just accept it. I know this is easier said than done. It is a process and I've been working an extra 20 years on it than you have, so my emotional skin around it is thicker. But I love him fiercely, in spite of everything. And it is my task to reconcile inside myself all of my feelings, and to allow myself to feel love for this man who hurt me so much. Today I can do that, but it took many years of hard emotional work to get there! I have forgiven him.

I would not be at all surprised if you grieve this loss for a long time. It's so hard to loose a parent, even one with whom we didn't spend a lot of time or didn't feel close (and I don't know if that was your experience with dad, I don't know anything really about your relationship with him and I'm not trying to imply that I do). We are loosing our father, just really slowly. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings, be they anger, resentment, grief, loss, pain, disappointment, love, and sometimes all of these at once. It takes a very strong person to allow themselves to FEEL. The danger is in stuffing the emotions and not feeling. Then we become numb and in time we also become bitter. I also drugged and drank for a long time to try to deal with it, and that didn't help either. The road back from that is painful and steep. I hope you don't choose that path because believe me it sucks. It created a whole different set of problems!

I want you to know that I love you. I'm here if you need to vent, share, or just know that someone else understands.

Love, T

Exerpt from "Under the Influence" by Milam & Ketchem

"... The alcoholic's most cherished values -- his honesty, integrity, self-discipline, even his love for his family -- are repeatedly overthrown because he cannot reliably predict or control his own drinking behavior. Any normal human being would feel disgust and self-loathing at this seemingly pathetic inability to exert control and exercise will power; and so does the alcoholic, who may be normal in every respect except his reaction to alcohol.

The alcoholic's guilt, depression, self-loathing , and despair are therefore understandable reactions to a bewildering and mysterious inability to stop the ravages of drinking. Neither the alcoholic nor those around him know that his cells have become abnormal, for the physical dependence and cellular addiction have worked inside him for months or perhaps years, invisible and unnoticed. No wonder the alcoholic believes he is weak-willed and pathetic. No wonder many of the people who observe his behavior believe that he is psychologically unstable, self-destructive, and perhaps suicidal. Without an understanding or knowledge of his addiction, they have no way of knowing that the alcoholic's irrational behavior is beyond his control."

Family is a funny thing. Not amusing funny, but strange funny for me. I have very happy and content early childhood memories of my family. Typically nuclear, mom, dad, brother, dog. Very quintessential, 4 seasons of memories, swimming, boating, sledding in the wintertime, apple picking, travelling, riding tricycle on my driveway, climbing rocks, dancing around in the rain in the summertime, vacations with cousins...then my parent's split when I was seven, and I can remember after that just feeling sad a lot. I missed my dad, who moved about a half hour away, and I couldn't reconcile the whole thing. I turned inward a lot. I remember liking to play by myself a lot, I would go off in the woods alone (this was the 1970's when kids could still do that, nobody thought we would get raped, killed or stolen) and pretend I was living off the land by myself. Very "My Side of the Mountain"-esque. My brother and I still saw my father every other weekend, when he would buy us junky cereal and take us bowling or to the movies. He had a hide-a-bed we would sleep on and he had girlfriends sometimes that we would have to visit (I hated that). They always had kids and the kids were always annoying, as we were thrown together and everyone just assumed that we would get along because we were kids. (insert rolling eyes here).

But overall I remember feeling loved, I was loved by my mom and I was loved by my dad. I got hugged a lot. I cried when I was sad, laughed when I was happy. It was sad that my parents weren't together but it was o.k. My dad and mom both remarried, it was tough to get used to that, but then my dad moved from Connecticut to Arizona and I didn't get to see him except during long vacations (summer, christmas and easter). And I didn't get along with my mom's new husband at all. He was possessive of her and jealous of us and wanted my mom all to himself. That sucked. My dad's wife was great, she was crazy in some ways (good ways) and over the top emotionally but other than that we really liked her. She took us to waterslide parks and mini golf and played everywhere with us. She was like the cruise director!

My dad took a job in Florida when I was 12 turning 13 and by then I was living with him, so we moved to Miami between 8th and 9th grade. That was the beginning of a very dark time in my life. This was the early 80's and I didn't wear the styles well at all! The collared polo shirts and designer jeans and Member's Only jackets didn't fit me right. I was not popular, I was the new kid and kind of dorky and I was very insecure. 9th grade is the wrong time to enter middle school (7-8-9). I got teased a lot. My dad was less and less accessible to me emotionally, later I figured out that this had a lot to do with me "becoming a woman" and him feeling really uncomfortable about that, not knowing how to deal with me. I just remember feeling rejected. My step mother saved me, we connected pretty deeply and still do.

My dad was a workaholic, left the house by 7:30 am and didn't get home till after 8pm, when he would start drinking scotch. He almost always carried it to bed with him and during dinner it would nestle itself in the ice tray in the freezer to maintain optimum temperature. Hmmmm. I never even gave this behavior a second thought at the time. Everyone around me drank, the adults anyway. It never seemed to be a problem for anyone. I digress...

I'm not sure I want to be a cross between Spock and Martha Stewart!

You Are 1: The Reformer

You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have uncompromising integrity, and people expect you to be fair. At Your Best: You are hopeful, honest, and inspiring. You bring out the best in humanity. At Your Worst: You are intolerant, judgmental, and picky. Your Fixation: Resentment Your Primary Fear: Being corrupt. Your Primary Desire: To be good. Other Number 1's: Al Gore, Martha Stewart, Gandhi, Celene Dion, and Spock from Star Trek.

What Number Are You?

A moment of peace...

I am feeling peaceful at this moment. What a strange sensation this is! I should be feeling my normal amount of just beneath the surface anxiety, the slight tremor in my hands as I sit at my desk typing, but I am calm and fairly steady. What's this about? Why does it make me semi nervous?

We just completed a busy time at work and have somewhat of a breathing space for the next few weeks before the next push. Not that I am at a loss for things to do. But today I've found myself sitting very still, focusing on the time passing. Maybe it's because Friday is a holiday, it's hard for me to get my brain going. Maybe it's because Monday was so freaking busy at work and we're all still hungover from it. Maybe it's because in 16 days our family goes on vacation and I am excited and nervous about it. Excited because it's vacation, nervous because it costs money to go. I wish I had a money tree. I wouldn't strip it, it would just be nice to have it there, like keeping a chicken for fresh eggs. It wouldn't even have to be a full tree, maybe just a money shrub, or a small money plant in a window box. I'm not greedy, I just want to be caught up and stay that way. My husband keeps telling me it's getting better, and I want so much to believe him. I think he is right, it is getting better, but not nearly as fast at I want it to. Ah, patience. There's the rub.

I digress. The best thing about being at work is basking in the air conditioning. In my next life I will have central air, even if I only need it for a month out of the year. I'm too much of a brat to be physically uncomfortable. Why do I feel like being comfortable is a luxury? I spent $10 on a fan the other day and I actually felt guilty about it. What the hell????

This image doesn't have anything to do with how I feel, but it's funny and I like it.

The Junky's Wives Club

View my page on The Junky's Wives Club

Thanks to my friend The Junky's Wife

She has created a dynamic online community for women who have addiction in their lives or in their hearts. I am very excited about the potential for this message board type community and am proud to be a member. Check it out!

Love this!

I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She's going ... she's going ... she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this." It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:"To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
* No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
* These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
* They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
* The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."
And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want himto want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add,"You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

EMAIL AMY IN THE HOSPITAL

Hi all of my friends,

If you know Amy Harrison DiMaggio, please send her an email in the hospital so that she knows you are thinking of her and praying for her! If you need the address (email or link to the hospital), please email me at: trish@oakmeadow.com


Let's send her lots of love! Thanks!

Amy heads to the hospital tomorrow

She is in my thoughts and prayers. She'll have 5 days of chemo twice a day before her stem cell transplant. Thanks for sending prayers/goodwishes/goodkarma/light candles, whatever you do. I am holding her up to my higher power.

There is hope

Things at my work are changing. I have a lot of hope for the near future. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a career, not a job. I am rejoicing!

My comment to The Junky's Wife, from March of this year:

You are a courageous woman, and I have a deep respect for your courage. I'm a recent add-on to your reader-following, and I have to say I am captivated by your words and by the life you are living. BTW I am a recovering alcoholic, celebrating 9 years sober this month, and I am married to another recovering alcoholic, he will have 10 years sober in July of this year. We have 2 children. (BTW, don't have kids with this man unless he recovers.)

I am so struck by "Let's Reconsider". Specifically, at the end where you state:

"If I kept in mind that I am sacred to myself, that my happiness and well-being must come first, and that I am obligated to myself to make the most of every minute of my life, I wouldn't live like this."

How true. And even though I have read many times how completely and totally in love you are with this man, the question remains: is love enough? I have loved men who were not capable of loving me the way I deserved, and although I was addicted to these relationships in the end I walked away. These men treated me in ways that are echoed in your blog. I look back on those relationships today and can't believe that I remained in them, justifying the kinds of behavior I tolerated, and for whatever sick reason I believed that these relationships would change somehow; I believed that I could be the catalyst for that change. I was wrong. What I really had to do was to face myself, to accept myself, to love myself.

Perspective is a tricky thing. When we are "in the midst" of our experience we don't have a good view. Usually its when we've come out the other side that we can see the lessons we've learned and the growth and positive change gained. Generally this is after a lot of pain and heartache. I'm not sure why but it seems necessary, and this is i'm sure why we can't usually learn from each other's mistakes, we have to make our own. Or maybe its unfair to call them mistakes, since all of our experiences contribute to the people we are.

I wish there was some way I could ease your pain, or spare you some of it, or really help you. Instead I feel oddly like I'm a voyer, watching an accident happen in slow motion over and over. I am happy for you that you have a program in your life and steps to work to help you grow into who you are supposed to be. I pray that your husband reaches his bottom (and he might if you can find ways to stop enabling him - like with $$) and finds his own way to recovery. I am not judging, I hope you can hear that. I wish you joy and healing, and I wish you peace.

Crazy heat wave

This is rediculous. I am not one who does well in heat. Growing up in Miami you would think I am more acclimated to it than I am. I am a total bitch when I get overheated. Here in New England, air conditioning isn't necessarily percieved as needed, since there are about 2-3 weeks during the summer when the heat and humidity become oppressive. The rest of the time it's pretty bearable. Unless you happen to be me, of course.

So we have no a/c in our apartment and our living space is on the second floor, and the nights have been terrible. During the day I am at my office (thank god) and there is air conditioning here. At least I can breathe! I am tempted to just throw down a sheet and sleep on the floor at work. Over the weekend I filled up my car with the last of the $3.99 gas and drove around with the kids just to have the air conditioner on. I didn't even care that the a/c uses a ton of gas. When you're that hot, you just don't care about money!

We don't usually get terrible heat like this until July. Global warming, no joke. This heat wave (it is a wave since it is on day 4) is supposed to break tomorrow with torrental thunderstorms. There is even a tornado watch right now for our area. Sheesh. I think we've really pissed Mother Nature off with all of our planet raping over the years. It's payback time. I am headed to the river with hubby and kids after work. Time to cool off...

Comments, please!

If anyone is so inclined, I would love to have someone leave comments here now and again. Although I am accustomed to journaling, this is my first stab at blogging and I know some people are or have been here. Please feel free to leave me a note and if you have a blog, let me know so I can read yours. I guess I don't want to feel quite so isolated, here in the quiet glow of my monitor...

Selfishness vs. sobriety

I can't believe the month has almost gone by entirely and I've only posted once. What a lame blogger I am.

I've been busy every day. HUGE projects at work, we are launching a new website and I am responsible for all the content (look and feel, information accuracy, everything except the code and geek parts) and that has been an enormous project and one that has been extremely expensive for my employer. Glad I'm not paying the IT bill for that one. Sheesh. Is $70 grand excessive for a website from the ground up? The feedback we've gotten seems to say that it is.

My time has also been spent going to the park with my kids a lot. This is a real pleasure in springtime, as long as the black flies aren't out. It's post-bitter cold and pre-mosquito season, one of my favorite times of the year. I like the two shortest seasons, of course. Guess which other one is my favorite. My kids love going to the park. My baby loves to get on the slide and say "wheeeee" before she even goes down. Such cuteness I can hardly stand it. And of course she wants to do everything big sister is doing. They both love the swings - big sister's favorite.

My kids are my constant sobriety lesson and test. Some days I do better than others. They test my patience, my communication skills, my priorities and my limit setting abilities. They mirror my own inner childishness. They keep my selfishness in check. They HAVE to come first, at least where basic needs are concerned. I can ignore certain things but others cannot be ignored (potty trips, diaper changes, hungry children, crying, boo boo's and the like). My agenda is constantly in flux when I am "on duty". The days that I am not working (weekends) I have the children and so it is not really "time off" for me. I can't just decide that I'm going to take a book and head to the coffee shop for some "me time". I am having a slice of "me time" right now, trying to blog. As I do this, the kids are watching PBS and playing at my feet in the living room. When they screetch loud enough, I have to stop and attend to them. To any parent this routine will be totally familiar. To those of you without children, welcome to my world.

I love my kids and I love my family and I wouldn't change anything about my life for anything in the world. I know this is the path my HP wants me to take and I walk on it willingly. But it is not for the truly selfish, that's for sure. I'm glad I had my kids when I did and not in my 20's in my active addiction. There is no way I could have done this job back then. God is so smart!










Oh, and one of our 8 cats just had a litter of 4 kittens on the 19th. Like I didn't have anything else to keep track of! LOL...they are so cute and she is such a good mommy. New life is beautiful and keeps me marveling at the beauty and wonder of it all. It's hard to stay in a bad mood when you're looking at baby kitties.

A side note, my BFF Amy, who has been fighting a battle with lymphoma, is IN REMISSION! Thank you God and all of you who have been and continue to pray for her. The next step is a stem cell transplant, in mid June. We are so grateful and relieved!!

I wish you enough

"Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough." She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."

They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me.

So I knew what this man experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying goodbye I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more."When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Goodbye."

He then began to sob and walked away."

-Anonymous

Anxiety

This has been my cross to bear lately. For the last 10-12 days I have been in a state of complete anxiety from wake up to bedtime pretty much. I can't remember feeling this uncomfortable in my own skin for a long time. I remember feeling this way a lot at the end of my drinking. It's scary to feel this way. I am doing my best to stay present and symbolically walk through my fear (which is what the anxiety is I think), although I don't have a clear idea what I'm afraid of. Failure? Loss? Shame?

I am in a new position (relatively) at work and I am lacking confidence in myself. There is also some political shit going on and I am definitely not good at playing that kind of game. One of the benefits to me of getting and staying sober has been that I get to be my authentic self in all facets of my life. I don't have to be one person at work, another person with friends, another with family, and so on. I can be the same person in every place. This works well for me but isn't working well when it comes to being "political in the workplace". That actually translates to being a fake backstabbing opportunistic fucker who doesn't mind tearing other people to shreds in order to get ahead. That's just not who I am nor who I ever want to be. But I am ill equipped to deal with that kind of person. I shrivel in fear from that kind of attack. And as a result I am so nervous and agitated at work that I can't keep anything down and have a constant pain either in my belly or it feels like there is a cinder block on my chest. My hands are quivering all the time. I'm trying like hell to focus on work but it's very difficult.

And I'm praying. I'm praying for the fucker at work who is trying to make my life hell. He is a miserable dry drunk and instead of giving in to the resentment I feel I am praying for him. I am asking the god of my understanding to give him every blessing, everything he needs. I am trying to inject some good positive energy into this situation. I don't know what else to do. And I read something this morning that helps, it's from the Two Listeners:

"Every fear is a crime against My Love. Practice saying "All is well". Say it until you believe it. Know it."

So I've written, "ALL IS WELL. Say it until you believe it." on a sticky note and it's on my computer. Maybe if I make this my mantra I will start to feel better.

I think I need to go back into therapy. And I think I need to pray for myself too. And maybe if you're reading this, I can ask you to pray for me too. Thank you.

Words of Wisdom from The Junky's Wife

"It amazes me sometimes how quickly I can forget everything I know. I go to meetings. I work my steps. I call folks in the program when I'm struggling. I do all the stuff I'm supposed to do, and yet when things get messy, it's like I've never heard of a higher power. It's like I never learned about detachment, never read about choosing my own attitudes and emotions." - The Junky's Wife


Yes, exactly. This is my truth also. Thank you for the validation!

My heart walks around outside of my body

Some other recent and really cute pictures of my kids. What can I say, my kids are my blessings of sobriety. They are walking testaments to my gratitude. I've heard somewhere that having children is akin to allowing a part of your heart to walk around outside of your body. Too true.

Checking in...

In less than two weeks winter has left completely, we've burst into spring and passed straight into summer. I fear for our planet! It was over 80° today and here in Vermont that's just not right for April. Remember, it snowed less than a month ago! This is downright weird.

Life is good. I am forcing myself to check in today as I have been so busy of late I haven't taken time to do this. It is now 10pm on a Wednesday night and behind me the baby sleeps on the couch next to a huge pile of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I cleaned somewhat of a path through my kitchen tonight as I made dinner (I am a one-dish wonder of a cook, much to the chagrin of my 5 year old who wants everything "on the side"). I managed to do the dishes and clean several layers of gunk off of a few key surfaces. Oh what a change from my former life!

Priorities are interesting things. When I was drinking, I was totally obsessed with cleanliness and order. Everything in my apartment had a place to be, right down to my CD collection being in alphabetical order. I think this had a lot to do with the fact that I was trying so desperately to justify and control my drinking. If my environment was scrupulously clean and orderly then it was o.k. for me to drink. If I worked out then it was o.k. for me to drink. If I didn't miss work then it was o.k. for me to drink. People in AA talk a lot about having "rules" around their drinking. These were some of mine I suppose. And yes, over time they changed. Some common ones you hear at meetings include "never drinking in the morning", "never drinking at work", "never driving drunk" and so on. I had those too. The one I maintained was never drinking in the morning. I call this one a "yet": it hasn't happened to me, yet. That doesn't mean it never will. If I choose to pick up a drink again, it surely will come to pass for me. I am no better or worse than any other drunk.

My life today is so different, my priorities have changed. And as a result my house is a total pig stye and most of the time I can hardly stand it. But I've been told by many many people that much of this is par for the course when one has small children, and even more so when one marries a messy man. I fight a loosing battle, and it is my job to accept the chaos and instead of being upset about it, I can remember that it isn't the most important thing in my life today. Thankfully Martha Stewart isn't coming by anytime soon! My children and husband and myself are all healthy. We have enough today (love, light, food, work, laughter, tears) and that's really all that matters. And I cleaned a path through my kitchen tonight, and for that I am grateful. OK, I'm off to fold laundry...

Weekends: now vs. then

When I was in my 20's (and very actively using) my weekends typically began on Thursdays with a night out to the bars. I then generally binged all weekend on alcohol and whatever else might have been floating around (I heard it said at an AA meeting once that "alcohol was my first love but I wasn't always faithful"). By Sunday morning I was generally feeling like shit and occasionally remorseful at whatever craziness I might have engaged in during the last 48 or so hours. (My antics ranged from going home with total strangers to sleeping with the significant others of my good friends, to telling total strangers the deepest secrets of myself and others. I was a messy drunk.) I was also usually in a fair amount of physical pain by that time, feeling totally hung over and very ill. Even so I would gorge on large amounts of brunchy type foods to try to heal myself. This was when I was still a social drunk. By my late 20's I isolated and drank alone all weekend, and generally vented myself on my unfortunate roommates and their friends, or reached out and touched someone via the good old classic "drink and dial". I've made lots of amends and there are still lots to make.

Wow, things are very different today. It happens to be another Sunday, and today I am home alone with the kids as hubby is at an all day AA event. We have been up since around 8 (nicely late for us) and have already snuggled on our big lazy boy chair, ate spaghetti for breakfast (a 5 year old request I honored) and are playing until I am done blogging, folding laundry and getting dressed. Then I have promised to take my children to the playground. I am praying that it won't rain and ruin this plan. If it does I will have to quickly manufacture a Plan B involving some other type of outing to avoid a cooped up day in the house and a possible mutiny. If you haven't experienced a 5 year old mutiny perhaps you can relate to the analogy of promising your dog a walk, even going to the point of showing her the leash, and then changing your mind.

I am neither hung over nor in a bad mood this morning. I am grateful for both facts. We all went to a meeting last night as a family and I stayed in the nursery watching about 8 kids, only 2 of which were mine. Imagine being trusted with other people's children, and feeling worthy of that trust. Another miracle. Hubby and I had a very nice day yesterday, we are feeling solid. We spent time out in the yard yesterday here at our place, basking in the warmth of spring. Several of our cats joined us, along with the children, and it was a nice 'homey' kind of scene. I am blessed to be sober today. I am not remorseful, I am grateful. Such a difference.

One Day at a Time

When I was a kid in junior high I had a friend named Laura and she used to have a mantra of sorts that stuck with me: "Day by day in every way I'm getting better and better". I don't think I had any real concept of how deeply that applied to my life at the time. Today it seems appropriate to my life.

I spoke with my sponsor first thing this morning, just to check in. That is one positive thing that has come from the recent events, I am in better touch with my support team. I got a great call the other night from my good friend Jeremy, who by the way is one of my oldest friends from Jr. High (actually he knows Laura, come to think of it). He read my post and called to check up with me. That feels good today, to have people around me who love me and care about me and how I'm doing.

Hubby is better. The crisis seems to have honestly passed, and he is now getting back into his routine which includes his medication. He is following doctor's orders. He is in touch with his support network (sponsor and others). He is going to meetings. He is working his program. And I am staying out of his stuff. That's one of the most challenging things about being married to another alcoholic/addict. I have to work my program and let him work his. And just like in the rooms, the way it works for me may not be the way it works for him. And there is no "right way". We of course from time to time fall into that space of attempting to give each other too much "helpful" advice which borders on sponsorship or just plain feels like "your telling me what to do", and as drunks we know what kind of reaction that produces! Resistance in the third degree! :) I have to practice these principals in all of my affairs, and especially in my marriage. It just works best this way. I have to own my stuff, keep my side of the street clean, and work from there.

And as always when I find myself in tight spots, I have to remember to go back to basics: One Day at a Time, Easy Does It, Think Think Think, Let Go and Let God. The simple things (not really) that I learned when I first came around to AA and was getting sober. That sometimes my definition of success needs to be trimmed down to just not picking up a drink or drug or subsitute, making the next right choice, and asking for help to get through one day. When I make a mistake (which I frequently do since I'm a drunk and I always think I'm right and know it all), I apologize. I have to remember H.A.L.T (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired) and Keep It Simple.

Today I'm enjoying a good cup of coffee, I am surrounded by my children and my husband and they are peacefully wantching PBS Kids behind me while we have a lazy few minutes on this Saturday morning. If this is as good as it gets, I think that will be o.k. with me! I am at peace right now and I am grateful.

The other shoe dropped

Or so it seemed. I guess it is kind of akin to living in a glass house and not realizing it until you begin throwing stones around and everything around you starts to crack and shatter.

Last night hubby had a total meltdown. It began right after he picked me up from work. He suddenly got totally focused on putting the muffler back on my car (it had fallen off during the winter and we just decided to leave it off till the snow was finally gone). He claimed this wouldn't take long. After more than an hour of waiting, I said for about the 5th or 6th time that I'd really like to get going to run our errands and get home in time to get dinner for the kids and have a normal bedtime (something we've been working hard to develop, a set routine for nighttime especially for 5 yr old dd#1).

Well that was the button and I sure pushed it. He freaked out and started yelling at me, he pulled the muffler off the car and threw it at me across the yard (I don't think he was meaning to actually hit me but he did throw it in my direction). I stood still for a minute out of pure shock mostly (I was holding the baby at this time) and I said to dd#1 to come into the house with me. He was still yelling, all kinds of things like "I can't do anything right! I'm so sick of you, you're such a bitch! Just get away from me for a couple of hours!" I went in and started to pack a bag for overnight. I felt strangly calm. The changing table is against the window so I could see him while I was dressing the baby. He had opened the downstairs (our storage) doors and was heaving our stuff into the front yard. His tirade continued but he began speaking of himself in the third person, which was interesting. "M can't clean right! M can't manage money right! M doesn't work enough! M is stupid"! And lots of other things I can't remember. Oh and the word "FUCK!" accompanied every statement out of his mouth.

dd#1 at age 5 of course will probably remember some of this. That is very unfortunate. When I had my things together and was leaving, I addressed him for the first time. I had to raise my voice so that I could be heard over him. I said, "You are terrorizing your children. Listen to yourself. You are doing to them the same thing your father did to you." Then we got in the car and left.

I ended up down the hill at our friend's house and I was able to ask for help (my program at work). They are a married couple and I asked the husband, W, to please go up and check on M. I stayed with them for about an hour and then I went on to my mother's house (40 minutes away) where we spent the night. My friend T used to be a drug and alcohol counselor and is also in recovery (they both are actually, with over 15 years clean and sober). As I described the klonopin situation to her she was quick to say that she felt that was probably the whole reason for his behavior. Between them they got him to phone another friend of ours who is also a drug and alcohol counselor (this all happened after I had left with the children). M spoke with him for quite some time, and between them they decided that M was being properly medically managed by his doctor and that the problem was that he was off of his medications. My friend T took him to get refills (and lent us the money to do that). M phoned me at my mom's house before bed and apologized. I accepted his apology. I'm hoping that this is a new beginning for him. I realize this might be an issue that relates to his sobriety date but honestly I feel that that decision needs to come from him (honesty) and perhaps with consultation from his sponsor or these others in the rooms he might come to that decision. Either way I will stay on the side of supporting him as long as he is honest and trying to do his best to get off of these meds and follow his doctor's instructions.

I do not want to drink over this, and I don't plan to. I am back at work, showing up for my life, which is what my program taught me to do. I prayed for him many times last night and I feel those prayers were answered. I asked that he be open to listen to what our friends were telling him and that he be receptive to them, and he was. He feels especially remorseful for what dd#1 heard him say. He has fences to mend and he knows that. He apologied again this morning and although I accept his apology I did not say "That's o.k." because it wasn't o.k. But it is forgiven. I think we are on a long road but at least we are on it together. I feel hopeful today, more than in quite a while.

From Hazelton's The Language of Letting Go:

Accepting Change

"Today I will be open to the process of change. I will trust my Higher Power and believe that the place where I'll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me wherever I need to go."

Good Benzo Information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine

Yesterday sucked

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I don't have those very often anymore since getting sober, which is beyond wonderful. I need to remember that I used to have those all the time, certainly more often than not. Today I am blessed to be having a pretty good day. And I am grateful that yesterday is in the past, it's over. OK, here's what happened.

First off I guess it's time to mention that hubby is addicted to klonopin. He is not a recreational user, he was given a script by his G.P. two years ago for his chronic sleeping disorder and probably also anxiety. He has never been a drug user. He is a recovering alkie with almost 10 years sober. So after using the .5 mg for a while that stopped working so he upped the dose, with Dr's permission, to 1 mg. And then upped it again to 1.5mg, then up to 2mg. All with Dr's knowledge and OK. Well, you know what happened next. I got pregnant with child #2 and was at this point totally aware that he was addicted to the klonopin, which for a while he denied since he was "just doing what the Dr said". So the whole thing isn't his fault, which I recognize, but he's still trying to kick the shit now.

But every month he runs short of pills and ends up in this frenzied anxious state where for a day or two he can't get them refilled. I don't know really if this is b/c he's not getting enough to last the month or if he takes too much of them from time to time, and honestly I don't really care. I just know that every month our family goes through a couple days of pretty much hell with hubby not able to sleep and being stressed out, anxious and very short on patience. He also can't work during that time b/c being sleep deprived makes him feel hung over.

Sunday night he ran out of some of his pills. Actually it wasn't the klonopin that apparently was the problem, it was going off his lexapro. He didn't sleep at all Sunday night to speak of. Monday morning he woke me at 5 and told me that I had to get the kids to points a and b since he couldn't drive or function properly. I left him alone at home all day while I got dd#1 to one grandma and dd#2 to the other grandma and went to work all day. After work I picked the kids up and had a frozen pizza at his mother's house with the kids. I figured there was no point in coming home early since I know he'd be in no good state to have family time. I got home with the kids just after 8pm.

He was still sleeping, the house was totally dark. He woke up sort of when we came in and as I was getting the baby into her jammies he stumbled out of the bedroom. He staggered around like he was drunk and I was so scared as he has never acted this way before. He was slurring his words and as he reached up into the kitchen cabinet to get a glass he knocked several others over (plastic) into the sink. I said, "what did you take?" and he replied "nothing" but I didn't believe him b/c he was acting like he was on something. He left the kitchen and collapsed so heavily on our bed that it sounded like he fell on the floor. I took him to the ER where they told us (after the 3 hour wait) that this was probably a reaction to going off the lexapro. They gave him another dose of another benzo to get him back to sleep and sent us home. I was secretly hoping they would admit him, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe so I could just get a break from dealing with this.

So yesterday (Tuesday, remember that was the really bad day) he went to see his psychiatric person (not a psychiatrist but a pnp) and they worked out this whole medication situation. When I got home I got a total blow by blow of what he's supposed to take, what he's tapering off of, what the plans are, and on and on and on until I literally wanted to bang my head against the wall. You see my hubby has problems retaining information sometimes (he thinks one way but the words tend to come out a bit differently, this happens more often than not). So while he was telling me the details of his appointment he kept repeating himself and starting the story over again. I think I was told several key points at least 4 times. His mother was at our house at the time (she came down to help watch the kids since he was in no state to do that) and thank god she was there. She helps diffuse things sometimes. She's used to him I guess b/c his father had a lot of these traits. Hubby's father was a horrible alcoholic and was terribly abusive to his mom and all of the kids. Hubby was a lot like a hothouse flower growing up, never got much attention or love or anything but a lot of negative tearing down stuff. He's really come a long way and is still working on himself, as am I.

And to top that all off I had a shitty day at work. No need to go into that and give it any more weight than I already have, but suffice to say that I don't enjoy conflict with others and I had some yesterday. It seems to have blown over so I won't go into it now. Don't want to jinx anything.

I did end the day with a meeting which was the best thing I could have done. I still need to call my sponsor though. Naughty naughty. I want to enjoy something simple today like going home and smelling my baby's head. It might be clean and smell like lavender baby soap. That's one of my favorite smells. I can't wait until hubby goes back to work, which he is supposed to do tomorrow. I've been the major breadwinner this winter which totally sucks. I want to have $10 in my wallet that I can feel ok about blowing on a coffee or whatever. Patience. And I'm trying to remember to BREATHE.....I spend way too much time in the land of "what if"....

From the Evolution of Jeremiah:

Four Jobs I have had in my life: (that I was paid for)

-Administrative Assistant
-Veterinary Assistant
-Bookkeeper
-Marketing Director

Four Movies I would watch/have watched over and over:
-Little Darlings
-The Bourne Identity/Conspiracy/and the other one
-The Sound of Music
-Finding Nemo

Four Places I have lived:
- Miami, Florida
- San Francisco, CA
- Greenwich, CT
- Vermont

Four TV Shows that I watch:
- Law & Order (especially Criminal Intent)
- House
- The News
- Sprout (PBS 24 hr preschool channel)

Four Places I have visited:
- London, England
- Greece
- Norway
- Hawaii

Four People who email me regularly:
- Jeremy
- Amy
- Mom
- Terye

Four Favorite Foods:
- Pasta
- Good Bread
- Chicken Alfredo
- Broccoli

Four Places I would like to be right now:
- San Diego
- Disney World Florida
- Hawaii
- 9 Beaches, Bermuda

Four Things I am looking forward to this year:
- Spring and summer
- Our family vacation week
- Travelling for work
- Not seeing any snow for 6 months

Four People who should post Four Things:

Any takers??

One of my favorite definitions of serenity!

Strange day today. But I did get to a meeting and it was really a good one. Small, like some of the meetings around here can be, just 6 people. A Big Book meeting, and today we read the 12th step (Chapter 7 I think). It reminds me that my sobriety is precious because it is a gift, and that to keep that gift I must be ever willing to give it away. I can share the message, I can be an example to others and I can try to live a sober, responsible life today.

And that's what I'm trying to do. I think I fell short of the mark today. I have had a conflictual relationship with someone at work and today I am not sure that my motives were in the right place. I think I am letting self will run a bit riot and I can't afford to do that. I don't know if I can undo what I did, or even if that is the right thing to do, but I can be more responsible for my actions and not continue to act in a non-sober way. Or at least not act in a way that later makes me question my motives. I have to remember that as an alcoholic I can't afford to relish in even justifiable anger. And I have no right to act out of resentment or retaliation whether or not the wrongs done to me are real or imagined. I have the responsibility to be completely honest with myself and another human being.

My next call will be to my sponsor! And I will sleep better tonight knowing that I've posted this.

I'm on my way to take my great wonderful mom out to dinner after work tonight. She emailed me this picture of herself this morning, believe it or not we got another spring snow storm last night! She needs a break from my stepdad who is 81 and really beginning to show signs of deterioration. His memory isn't at all what it used to be and at times his personality seems somewhat...flat. My hubby has experience with older people, he worked as an LNA in a nursing home for a while, and he sees this as the beginning of the end. It remains unknown what kind of time frame he's dealing with because he doesn't really have any outstanding health issues outside of aging. I wish his kids (my steps) would come and spend time with him and I'm not sure why that's not happening, except that it's painful to see him this way and maybe that's their way of dealing with it, by not dealing with it. I don't know. We've never really clicked.

I'm bringing my baby/toddler to dinner with me. It's easier on both of us to split the kids up and have me take the baby and leave A with hubby. The baby is more of a handful for him at home, she's walking now and is into everything. She's got to be watched constantly or she's in the toilet playing with the water or scattering the cat food all over the kitchen floor. Or god forbid gets into the cat box - yuck!! The other day I came home from a meeting and the baby had gotten a hold of a magic marker that she obviously had put in her mouth and drawn all over her face and tummy. I guess hubby was on the computer and didn't notice. Hmmm. I'd rather take her to dinner with me tonight, thanks! :) I love spending time with my mom and we hardly ever do this so it will be a treat for both of us.

Gratitude List

It's high time I made one of these. I spoke with my sponsor last night and she served up a big dish of sympathy about my migrane issues. That's all well and good and I appreciate it but I need to get moving on the step stuff with her. I'm stalled out at step 6 and need a kick in the butt.

Today I am grateful for

• My sponsor. She rocks and I love her. We love to laugh together and she always helps me get out of my shit.


• My husband. He's really worried about me right now and it's touching to see how much he cares. Sometimes I think I forget about that or take it for granted. He really loves me!


• My kids. They can usually help me forget about anything bad that's going on. Seeing life through their eyes helps me to keep it simple.


• AA meetings. If you've ever been to one you know why. It's refreshing to have others understand you, REALLY understand you. And someone always has something going on in their life that makes my stuff seem excruciatingly trivial (which it probably is).


• ...and that one leads me to this one, Luxury Problems. Yep, I'm grateful that my paycheck that I'm due to get tomorrow is already spent on bills. That's the essence of a luxury problem for me.


• I don't have a headache right now. :)


• There is food at my house and I can make dinner for my kids when I get home from work.


• Even though my house is a mess, I have a house and all my stuff is in it. Even though I have too much stuff. Again, another Luxury Problem!


• My cats. Having 9 of them, there is always someone around wanting to snuggle and be petted. And I'm grateful that we have pain medication for our sweet Kack who has terminal mouth cancer. At least I can make her comfortable.


• My job. I love my job. Every Monday morning I come to work and kiss my desk. My job rocks!


• My co-workers. I actually am blessed to work with people who have become my friends. And I also work with a fellow AA, he has 19 years. Don't let it fool ya, he's still a 14 year old boy. They never grow up!


• My mother. She is one of my best friends. I'm blessed to have her living close by and we are there for each other.


• My BFF Amy. I am so proud of her, fighting her cancer!


• God, very grateful to God (my HP) for giving me the opportunity to live a sober life. I know I take way too much for granted and I don't say thank you nearly enough. Everything I have in my life today is a gift of sobriety. I would not be married if not for AA, would not have had children, certainly would not be living where I am living (geographically) and for that matter I don't know if I would still be living at all.


• Grateful for my sober anniversary, 9 years this month. I get to speak this Sunday at my home group and share cake with all my friends!


• Grateful that I had the opportunity to receive my father's amends before his memory loss disease became so bad that he wasn't able to make them. That was a moment of complete spirituality in my life, and I think in his also. I'll tell that story sometime.

That's it for now. Gratitude lists are awesome!