Definition of Success

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I am trying to be aware of everything I do and say, and try to be sure that what I put out into the universe is as real as it can possibly be. I am also trying to keep it as positive as I possibly can. If I can do this, and make it through my life taking as much care of others as I can while still maintaining healthy boundaries for myself, I feel that might be getting pretty close to my definition of success.

A letter to my half brother (20 yrs my junior)

Hi J-
We leave for our camping trip day after tomorrow. I don't remember if I told you that we go to Maine every year for a week with the kids. This is the first year we'll be out of a tent, we got a pop up camper and I'm very psyched that I won't be sleeping in dirt! We go to Freeport, which is right on Casco Bay and since we live in the mountains its a big treat to go to the ocean, I miss it so much!

I wanted to just check in with you around the whole dad thing and apologize again for my awkward, casual mention of things. I really should have (and probably still should) just picked up the phone and called you (although I don't know if I have your number). I must admit it feels a bit daunting to speak with you on the phone and that's not a medium I am nearly as comfortable with as writing. Can you identify??

I feel compelled to connect with you around what is happening with dad and let you know that of all the people on the planet, I am probably one of the few that might understand how you feel, or the strange combination of feelings you're experiencing when you choose to think about him. I want you to know that if you ever find yourself thinking that no one understands how you feel, I understand. If you want to talk about it, I am here.

My thoughts about it are, of course, conflicted. But in a lot of ways I feel this is the karmic wheel turning for him. He put so much negative shit out into the world for so many years, now he's getting it back. He is a sad person. One of the strongest feelings I have for him now is pity. He had so many opportunities to be "a part of" so many wonderful things in my life, and he chose not to allow himself that pleasure. Instead he continued year after year to choose negativity and anger over the love of his daughter and first son. He is an example in many ways of what I don't want to be. It's kind of funny how the role models I got were of what I don't want to aspire to, not the other way around...

I believe that he tried to the best of his ability to make amends for what he did to me, but his capability to accept responsibility for his own behavior and choices has always been limited at best. One of the things that I have learned is that I have to accept what is, since I have no power to change it. And if I try to change it I am wasting my time and energy, and I will end up disappointed. Our father will not change and will never be who we wish he could be. It is our challenge now and for the rest of our lives to come to terms with that and just accept it. I know this is easier said than done. It is a process and I've been working an extra 20 years on it than you have, so my emotional skin around it is thicker. But I love him fiercely, in spite of everything. And it is my task to reconcile inside myself all of my feelings, and to allow myself to feel love for this man who hurt me so much. Today I can do that, but it took many years of hard emotional work to get there! I have forgiven him.

I would not be at all surprised if you grieve this loss for a long time. It's so hard to loose a parent, even one with whom we didn't spend a lot of time or didn't feel close (and I don't know if that was your experience with dad, I don't know anything really about your relationship with him and I'm not trying to imply that I do). We are loosing our father, just really slowly. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings, be they anger, resentment, grief, loss, pain, disappointment, love, and sometimes all of these at once. It takes a very strong person to allow themselves to FEEL. The danger is in stuffing the emotions and not feeling. Then we become numb and in time we also become bitter. I also drugged and drank for a long time to try to deal with it, and that didn't help either. The road back from that is painful and steep. I hope you don't choose that path because believe me it sucks. It created a whole different set of problems!

I want you to know that I love you. I'm here if you need to vent, share, or just know that someone else understands.

Love, T

Exerpt from "Under the Influence" by Milam & Ketchem

"... The alcoholic's most cherished values -- his honesty, integrity, self-discipline, even his love for his family -- are repeatedly overthrown because he cannot reliably predict or control his own drinking behavior. Any normal human being would feel disgust and self-loathing at this seemingly pathetic inability to exert control and exercise will power; and so does the alcoholic, who may be normal in every respect except his reaction to alcohol.

The alcoholic's guilt, depression, self-loathing , and despair are therefore understandable reactions to a bewildering and mysterious inability to stop the ravages of drinking. Neither the alcoholic nor those around him know that his cells have become abnormal, for the physical dependence and cellular addiction have worked inside him for months or perhaps years, invisible and unnoticed. No wonder the alcoholic believes he is weak-willed and pathetic. No wonder many of the people who observe his behavior believe that he is psychologically unstable, self-destructive, and perhaps suicidal. Without an understanding or knowledge of his addiction, they have no way of knowing that the alcoholic's irrational behavior is beyond his control."

Family is a funny thing. Not amusing funny, but strange funny for me. I have very happy and content early childhood memories of my family. Typically nuclear, mom, dad, brother, dog. Very quintessential, 4 seasons of memories, swimming, boating, sledding in the wintertime, apple picking, travelling, riding tricycle on my driveway, climbing rocks, dancing around in the rain in the summertime, vacations with cousins...then my parent's split when I was seven, and I can remember after that just feeling sad a lot. I missed my dad, who moved about a half hour away, and I couldn't reconcile the whole thing. I turned inward a lot. I remember liking to play by myself a lot, I would go off in the woods alone (this was the 1970's when kids could still do that, nobody thought we would get raped, killed or stolen) and pretend I was living off the land by myself. Very "My Side of the Mountain"-esque. My brother and I still saw my father every other weekend, when he would buy us junky cereal and take us bowling or to the movies. He had a hide-a-bed we would sleep on and he had girlfriends sometimes that we would have to visit (I hated that). They always had kids and the kids were always annoying, as we were thrown together and everyone just assumed that we would get along because we were kids. (insert rolling eyes here).

But overall I remember feeling loved, I was loved by my mom and I was loved by my dad. I got hugged a lot. I cried when I was sad, laughed when I was happy. It was sad that my parents weren't together but it was o.k. My dad and mom both remarried, it was tough to get used to that, but then my dad moved from Connecticut to Arizona and I didn't get to see him except during long vacations (summer, christmas and easter). And I didn't get along with my mom's new husband at all. He was possessive of her and jealous of us and wanted my mom all to himself. That sucked. My dad's wife was great, she was crazy in some ways (good ways) and over the top emotionally but other than that we really liked her. She took us to waterslide parks and mini golf and played everywhere with us. She was like the cruise director!

My dad took a job in Florida when I was 12 turning 13 and by then I was living with him, so we moved to Miami between 8th and 9th grade. That was the beginning of a very dark time in my life. This was the early 80's and I didn't wear the styles well at all! The collared polo shirts and designer jeans and Member's Only jackets didn't fit me right. I was not popular, I was the new kid and kind of dorky and I was very insecure. 9th grade is the wrong time to enter middle school (7-8-9). I got teased a lot. My dad was less and less accessible to me emotionally, later I figured out that this had a lot to do with me "becoming a woman" and him feeling really uncomfortable about that, not knowing how to deal with me. I just remember feeling rejected. My step mother saved me, we connected pretty deeply and still do.

My dad was a workaholic, left the house by 7:30 am and didn't get home till after 8pm, when he would start drinking scotch. He almost always carried it to bed with him and during dinner it would nestle itself in the ice tray in the freezer to maintain optimum temperature. Hmmmm. I never even gave this behavior a second thought at the time. Everyone around me drank, the adults anyway. It never seemed to be a problem for anyone. I digress...

I'm not sure I want to be a cross between Spock and Martha Stewart!

You Are 1: The Reformer

You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have uncompromising integrity, and people expect you to be fair. At Your Best: You are hopeful, honest, and inspiring. You bring out the best in humanity. At Your Worst: You are intolerant, judgmental, and picky. Your Fixation: Resentment Your Primary Fear: Being corrupt. Your Primary Desire: To be good. Other Number 1's: Al Gore, Martha Stewart, Gandhi, Celene Dion, and Spock from Star Trek.

What Number Are You?

A moment of peace...

I am feeling peaceful at this moment. What a strange sensation this is! I should be feeling my normal amount of just beneath the surface anxiety, the slight tremor in my hands as I sit at my desk typing, but I am calm and fairly steady. What's this about? Why does it make me semi nervous?

We just completed a busy time at work and have somewhat of a breathing space for the next few weeks before the next push. Not that I am at a loss for things to do. But today I've found myself sitting very still, focusing on the time passing. Maybe it's because Friday is a holiday, it's hard for me to get my brain going. Maybe it's because Monday was so freaking busy at work and we're all still hungover from it. Maybe it's because in 16 days our family goes on vacation and I am excited and nervous about it. Excited because it's vacation, nervous because it costs money to go. I wish I had a money tree. I wouldn't strip it, it would just be nice to have it there, like keeping a chicken for fresh eggs. It wouldn't even have to be a full tree, maybe just a money shrub, or a small money plant in a window box. I'm not greedy, I just want to be caught up and stay that way. My husband keeps telling me it's getting better, and I want so much to believe him. I think he is right, it is getting better, but not nearly as fast at I want it to. Ah, patience. There's the rub.

I digress. The best thing about being at work is basking in the air conditioning. In my next life I will have central air, even if I only need it for a month out of the year. I'm too much of a brat to be physically uncomfortable. Why do I feel like being comfortable is a luxury? I spent $10 on a fan the other day and I actually felt guilty about it. What the hell????

This image doesn't have anything to do with how I feel, but it's funny and I like it.

The Junky's Wives Club

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Thanks to my friend The Junky's Wife

She has created a dynamic online community for women who have addiction in their lives or in their hearts. I am very excited about the potential for this message board type community and am proud to be a member. Check it out!