We leave for our camping trip day after tomorrow. I don't remember if I told you that we go to Maine every year for a week with the kids. This is the first year we'll be out of a tent, we got a pop up camper and I'm very psyched that I won't be sleeping in dirt! We go to Freeport, which is right on Casco Bay and since we live in the mountains its a big treat to go to the ocean, I miss it so much!
I wanted to just check in with you around the whole dad thing and apologize again for my awkward, casual mention of things. I really should have (and probably still should) just picked up the phone and called you (although I don't know if I have your number). I must admit it feels a bit daunting to speak with you on the phone and that's not a medium I am nearly as comfortable with as writing. Can you identify??
I feel compelled to connect with you around what is happening with dad and let you know that of all the people on the planet, I am probably one of the few that might understand how you feel, or the strange combination of feelings you're experiencing when you choose to think about him. I want you to know that if you ever find yourself thinking that no one understands how you feel, I understand. If you want to talk about it, I am here.
My thoughts about it are, of course, conflicted. But in a lot of ways I feel this is the karmic wheel turning for him. He put so much negative shit out into the world for so many years, now he's getting it back. He is a sad person. One of the strongest feelings I have for him now is pity. He had so many opportunities to be "a part of" so many wonderful things in my life, and he chose not to allow himself that pleasure. Instead he continued year after year to choose negativity and anger over the love of his daughter and first son. He is an example in many ways of what I don't want to be. It's kind of funny how the role models I got were of what I don't want to aspire to, not the other way around...
I believe that he tried to the best of his ability to make amends for what he did to me, but his capability to accept responsibility for his own behavior and choices has always been limited at best. One of the things that I have learned is that I have to accept what is, since I have no power to change it. And if I try to change it I am wasting my time and energy, and I will end up disappointed. Our father will not change and will never be who we wish he could be. It is our challenge now and for the rest of our lives to come to terms with that and just accept it. I know this is easier said than done. It is a process and I've been working an extra 20 years on it than you have, so my emotional skin around it is thicker. But I love him fiercely, in spite of everything. And it is my task to reconcile inside myself all of my feelings, and to allow myself to feel love for this man who hurt me so much. Today I can do that, but it took many years of hard emotional work to get there! I have forgiven him.
I would not be at all surprised if you grieve this loss for a long time. It's so hard to loose a parent, even one with whom we didn't spend a lot of time or didn't feel close (and I don't know if that was your experience with dad, I don't know anything really about your relationship with him and I'm not trying to imply that I do). We are loosing our father, just really slowly. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings, be they anger, resentment, grief, loss, pain, disappointment, love, and sometimes all of these at once. It takes a very strong person to allow themselves to FEEL. The danger is in stuffing the emotions and not feeling. Then we become numb and in time we also become bitter. I also drugged and drank for a long time to try to deal with it, and that didn't help either. The road back from that is painful and steep. I hope you don't choose that path because believe me it sucks. It created a whole different set of problems!
I want you to know that I love you. I'm here if you need to vent, share, or just know that someone else understands.
Love, T
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