Comments, please!

If anyone is so inclined, I would love to have someone leave comments here now and again. Although I am accustomed to journaling, this is my first stab at blogging and I know some people are or have been here. Please feel free to leave me a note and if you have a blog, let me know so I can read yours. I guess I don't want to feel quite so isolated, here in the quiet glow of my monitor...

Selfishness vs. sobriety

I can't believe the month has almost gone by entirely and I've only posted once. What a lame blogger I am.

I've been busy every day. HUGE projects at work, we are launching a new website and I am responsible for all the content (look and feel, information accuracy, everything except the code and geek parts) and that has been an enormous project and one that has been extremely expensive for my employer. Glad I'm not paying the IT bill for that one. Sheesh. Is $70 grand excessive for a website from the ground up? The feedback we've gotten seems to say that it is.

My time has also been spent going to the park with my kids a lot. This is a real pleasure in springtime, as long as the black flies aren't out. It's post-bitter cold and pre-mosquito season, one of my favorite times of the year. I like the two shortest seasons, of course. Guess which other one is my favorite. My kids love going to the park. My baby loves to get on the slide and say "wheeeee" before she even goes down. Such cuteness I can hardly stand it. And of course she wants to do everything big sister is doing. They both love the swings - big sister's favorite.

My kids are my constant sobriety lesson and test. Some days I do better than others. They test my patience, my communication skills, my priorities and my limit setting abilities. They mirror my own inner childishness. They keep my selfishness in check. They HAVE to come first, at least where basic needs are concerned. I can ignore certain things but others cannot be ignored (potty trips, diaper changes, hungry children, crying, boo boo's and the like). My agenda is constantly in flux when I am "on duty". The days that I am not working (weekends) I have the children and so it is not really "time off" for me. I can't just decide that I'm going to take a book and head to the coffee shop for some "me time". I am having a slice of "me time" right now, trying to blog. As I do this, the kids are watching PBS and playing at my feet in the living room. When they screetch loud enough, I have to stop and attend to them. To any parent this routine will be totally familiar. To those of you without children, welcome to my world.

I love my kids and I love my family and I wouldn't change anything about my life for anything in the world. I know this is the path my HP wants me to take and I walk on it willingly. But it is not for the truly selfish, that's for sure. I'm glad I had my kids when I did and not in my 20's in my active addiction. There is no way I could have done this job back then. God is so smart!










Oh, and one of our 8 cats just had a litter of 4 kittens on the 19th. Like I didn't have anything else to keep track of! LOL...they are so cute and she is such a good mommy. New life is beautiful and keeps me marveling at the beauty and wonder of it all. It's hard to stay in a bad mood when you're looking at baby kitties.

A side note, my BFF Amy, who has been fighting a battle with lymphoma, is IN REMISSION! Thank you God and all of you who have been and continue to pray for her. The next step is a stem cell transplant, in mid June. We are so grateful and relieved!!

I wish you enough

"Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough." She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy."

They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me.

So I knew what this man experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying goodbye I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more."When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Goodbye."

He then began to sob and walked away."

-Anonymous

Anxiety

This has been my cross to bear lately. For the last 10-12 days I have been in a state of complete anxiety from wake up to bedtime pretty much. I can't remember feeling this uncomfortable in my own skin for a long time. I remember feeling this way a lot at the end of my drinking. It's scary to feel this way. I am doing my best to stay present and symbolically walk through my fear (which is what the anxiety is I think), although I don't have a clear idea what I'm afraid of. Failure? Loss? Shame?

I am in a new position (relatively) at work and I am lacking confidence in myself. There is also some political shit going on and I am definitely not good at playing that kind of game. One of the benefits to me of getting and staying sober has been that I get to be my authentic self in all facets of my life. I don't have to be one person at work, another person with friends, another with family, and so on. I can be the same person in every place. This works well for me but isn't working well when it comes to being "political in the workplace". That actually translates to being a fake backstabbing opportunistic fucker who doesn't mind tearing other people to shreds in order to get ahead. That's just not who I am nor who I ever want to be. But I am ill equipped to deal with that kind of person. I shrivel in fear from that kind of attack. And as a result I am so nervous and agitated at work that I can't keep anything down and have a constant pain either in my belly or it feels like there is a cinder block on my chest. My hands are quivering all the time. I'm trying like hell to focus on work but it's very difficult.

And I'm praying. I'm praying for the fucker at work who is trying to make my life hell. He is a miserable dry drunk and instead of giving in to the resentment I feel I am praying for him. I am asking the god of my understanding to give him every blessing, everything he needs. I am trying to inject some good positive energy into this situation. I don't know what else to do. And I read something this morning that helps, it's from the Two Listeners:

"Every fear is a crime against My Love. Practice saying "All is well". Say it until you believe it. Know it."

So I've written, "ALL IS WELL. Say it until you believe it." on a sticky note and it's on my computer. Maybe if I make this my mantra I will start to feel better.

I think I need to go back into therapy. And I think I need to pray for myself too. And maybe if you're reading this, I can ask you to pray for me too. Thank you.