Anxiety

This has been my cross to bear lately. For the last 10-12 days I have been in a state of complete anxiety from wake up to bedtime pretty much. I can't remember feeling this uncomfortable in my own skin for a long time. I remember feeling this way a lot at the end of my drinking. It's scary to feel this way. I am doing my best to stay present and symbolically walk through my fear (which is what the anxiety is I think), although I don't have a clear idea what I'm afraid of. Failure? Loss? Shame?

I am in a new position (relatively) at work and I am lacking confidence in myself. There is also some political shit going on and I am definitely not good at playing that kind of game. One of the benefits to me of getting and staying sober has been that I get to be my authentic self in all facets of my life. I don't have to be one person at work, another person with friends, another with family, and so on. I can be the same person in every place. This works well for me but isn't working well when it comes to being "political in the workplace". That actually translates to being a fake backstabbing opportunistic fucker who doesn't mind tearing other people to shreds in order to get ahead. That's just not who I am nor who I ever want to be. But I am ill equipped to deal with that kind of person. I shrivel in fear from that kind of attack. And as a result I am so nervous and agitated at work that I can't keep anything down and have a constant pain either in my belly or it feels like there is a cinder block on my chest. My hands are quivering all the time. I'm trying like hell to focus on work but it's very difficult.

And I'm praying. I'm praying for the fucker at work who is trying to make my life hell. He is a miserable dry drunk and instead of giving in to the resentment I feel I am praying for him. I am asking the god of my understanding to give him every blessing, everything he needs. I am trying to inject some good positive energy into this situation. I don't know what else to do. And I read something this morning that helps, it's from the Two Listeners:

"Every fear is a crime against My Love. Practice saying "All is well". Say it until you believe it. Know it."

So I've written, "ALL IS WELL. Say it until you believe it." on a sticky note and it's on my computer. Maybe if I make this my mantra I will start to feel better.

I think I need to go back into therapy. And I think I need to pray for myself too. And maybe if you're reading this, I can ask you to pray for me too. Thank you.