Words of Wisdom from The Junky's Wife

"It amazes me sometimes how quickly I can forget everything I know. I go to meetings. I work my steps. I call folks in the program when I'm struggling. I do all the stuff I'm supposed to do, and yet when things get messy, it's like I've never heard of a higher power. It's like I never learned about detachment, never read about choosing my own attitudes and emotions." - The Junky's Wife


Yes, exactly. This is my truth also. Thank you for the validation!

My heart walks around outside of my body

Some other recent and really cute pictures of my kids. What can I say, my kids are my blessings of sobriety. They are walking testaments to my gratitude. I've heard somewhere that having children is akin to allowing a part of your heart to walk around outside of your body. Too true.

Checking in...

In less than two weeks winter has left completely, we've burst into spring and passed straight into summer. I fear for our planet! It was over 80° today and here in Vermont that's just not right for April. Remember, it snowed less than a month ago! This is downright weird.

Life is good. I am forcing myself to check in today as I have been so busy of late I haven't taken time to do this. It is now 10pm on a Wednesday night and behind me the baby sleeps on the couch next to a huge pile of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I cleaned somewhat of a path through my kitchen tonight as I made dinner (I am a one-dish wonder of a cook, much to the chagrin of my 5 year old who wants everything "on the side"). I managed to do the dishes and clean several layers of gunk off of a few key surfaces. Oh what a change from my former life!

Priorities are interesting things. When I was drinking, I was totally obsessed with cleanliness and order. Everything in my apartment had a place to be, right down to my CD collection being in alphabetical order. I think this had a lot to do with the fact that I was trying so desperately to justify and control my drinking. If my environment was scrupulously clean and orderly then it was o.k. for me to drink. If I worked out then it was o.k. for me to drink. If I didn't miss work then it was o.k. for me to drink. People in AA talk a lot about having "rules" around their drinking. These were some of mine I suppose. And yes, over time they changed. Some common ones you hear at meetings include "never drinking in the morning", "never drinking at work", "never driving drunk" and so on. I had those too. The one I maintained was never drinking in the morning. I call this one a "yet": it hasn't happened to me, yet. That doesn't mean it never will. If I choose to pick up a drink again, it surely will come to pass for me. I am no better or worse than any other drunk.

My life today is so different, my priorities have changed. And as a result my house is a total pig stye and most of the time I can hardly stand it. But I've been told by many many people that much of this is par for the course when one has small children, and even more so when one marries a messy man. I fight a loosing battle, and it is my job to accept the chaos and instead of being upset about it, I can remember that it isn't the most important thing in my life today. Thankfully Martha Stewart isn't coming by anytime soon! My children and husband and myself are all healthy. We have enough today (love, light, food, work, laughter, tears) and that's really all that matters. And I cleaned a path through my kitchen tonight, and for that I am grateful. OK, I'm off to fold laundry...

Weekends: now vs. then

When I was in my 20's (and very actively using) my weekends typically began on Thursdays with a night out to the bars. I then generally binged all weekend on alcohol and whatever else might have been floating around (I heard it said at an AA meeting once that "alcohol was my first love but I wasn't always faithful"). By Sunday morning I was generally feeling like shit and occasionally remorseful at whatever craziness I might have engaged in during the last 48 or so hours. (My antics ranged from going home with total strangers to sleeping with the significant others of my good friends, to telling total strangers the deepest secrets of myself and others. I was a messy drunk.) I was also usually in a fair amount of physical pain by that time, feeling totally hung over and very ill. Even so I would gorge on large amounts of brunchy type foods to try to heal myself. This was when I was still a social drunk. By my late 20's I isolated and drank alone all weekend, and generally vented myself on my unfortunate roommates and their friends, or reached out and touched someone via the good old classic "drink and dial". I've made lots of amends and there are still lots to make.

Wow, things are very different today. It happens to be another Sunday, and today I am home alone with the kids as hubby is at an all day AA event. We have been up since around 8 (nicely late for us) and have already snuggled on our big lazy boy chair, ate spaghetti for breakfast (a 5 year old request I honored) and are playing until I am done blogging, folding laundry and getting dressed. Then I have promised to take my children to the playground. I am praying that it won't rain and ruin this plan. If it does I will have to quickly manufacture a Plan B involving some other type of outing to avoid a cooped up day in the house and a possible mutiny. If you haven't experienced a 5 year old mutiny perhaps you can relate to the analogy of promising your dog a walk, even going to the point of showing her the leash, and then changing your mind.

I am neither hung over nor in a bad mood this morning. I am grateful for both facts. We all went to a meeting last night as a family and I stayed in the nursery watching about 8 kids, only 2 of which were mine. Imagine being trusted with other people's children, and feeling worthy of that trust. Another miracle. Hubby and I had a very nice day yesterday, we are feeling solid. We spent time out in the yard yesterday here at our place, basking in the warmth of spring. Several of our cats joined us, along with the children, and it was a nice 'homey' kind of scene. I am blessed to be sober today. I am not remorseful, I am grateful. Such a difference.

One Day at a Time

When I was a kid in junior high I had a friend named Laura and she used to have a mantra of sorts that stuck with me: "Day by day in every way I'm getting better and better". I don't think I had any real concept of how deeply that applied to my life at the time. Today it seems appropriate to my life.

I spoke with my sponsor first thing this morning, just to check in. That is one positive thing that has come from the recent events, I am in better touch with my support team. I got a great call the other night from my good friend Jeremy, who by the way is one of my oldest friends from Jr. High (actually he knows Laura, come to think of it). He read my post and called to check up with me. That feels good today, to have people around me who love me and care about me and how I'm doing.

Hubby is better. The crisis seems to have honestly passed, and he is now getting back into his routine which includes his medication. He is following doctor's orders. He is in touch with his support network (sponsor and others). He is going to meetings. He is working his program. And I am staying out of his stuff. That's one of the most challenging things about being married to another alcoholic/addict. I have to work my program and let him work his. And just like in the rooms, the way it works for me may not be the way it works for him. And there is no "right way". We of course from time to time fall into that space of attempting to give each other too much "helpful" advice which borders on sponsorship or just plain feels like "your telling me what to do", and as drunks we know what kind of reaction that produces! Resistance in the third degree! :) I have to practice these principals in all of my affairs, and especially in my marriage. It just works best this way. I have to own my stuff, keep my side of the street clean, and work from there.

And as always when I find myself in tight spots, I have to remember to go back to basics: One Day at a Time, Easy Does It, Think Think Think, Let Go and Let God. The simple things (not really) that I learned when I first came around to AA and was getting sober. That sometimes my definition of success needs to be trimmed down to just not picking up a drink or drug or subsitute, making the next right choice, and asking for help to get through one day. When I make a mistake (which I frequently do since I'm a drunk and I always think I'm right and know it all), I apologize. I have to remember H.A.L.T (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired) and Keep It Simple.

Today I'm enjoying a good cup of coffee, I am surrounded by my children and my husband and they are peacefully wantching PBS Kids behind me while we have a lazy few minutes on this Saturday morning. If this is as good as it gets, I think that will be o.k. with me! I am at peace right now and I am grateful.

The other shoe dropped

Or so it seemed. I guess it is kind of akin to living in a glass house and not realizing it until you begin throwing stones around and everything around you starts to crack and shatter.

Last night hubby had a total meltdown. It began right after he picked me up from work. He suddenly got totally focused on putting the muffler back on my car (it had fallen off during the winter and we just decided to leave it off till the snow was finally gone). He claimed this wouldn't take long. After more than an hour of waiting, I said for about the 5th or 6th time that I'd really like to get going to run our errands and get home in time to get dinner for the kids and have a normal bedtime (something we've been working hard to develop, a set routine for nighttime especially for 5 yr old dd#1).

Well that was the button and I sure pushed it. He freaked out and started yelling at me, he pulled the muffler off the car and threw it at me across the yard (I don't think he was meaning to actually hit me but he did throw it in my direction). I stood still for a minute out of pure shock mostly (I was holding the baby at this time) and I said to dd#1 to come into the house with me. He was still yelling, all kinds of things like "I can't do anything right! I'm so sick of you, you're such a bitch! Just get away from me for a couple of hours!" I went in and started to pack a bag for overnight. I felt strangly calm. The changing table is against the window so I could see him while I was dressing the baby. He had opened the downstairs (our storage) doors and was heaving our stuff into the front yard. His tirade continued but he began speaking of himself in the third person, which was interesting. "M can't clean right! M can't manage money right! M doesn't work enough! M is stupid"! And lots of other things I can't remember. Oh and the word "FUCK!" accompanied every statement out of his mouth.

dd#1 at age 5 of course will probably remember some of this. That is very unfortunate. When I had my things together and was leaving, I addressed him for the first time. I had to raise my voice so that I could be heard over him. I said, "You are terrorizing your children. Listen to yourself. You are doing to them the same thing your father did to you." Then we got in the car and left.

I ended up down the hill at our friend's house and I was able to ask for help (my program at work). They are a married couple and I asked the husband, W, to please go up and check on M. I stayed with them for about an hour and then I went on to my mother's house (40 minutes away) where we spent the night. My friend T used to be a drug and alcohol counselor and is also in recovery (they both are actually, with over 15 years clean and sober). As I described the klonopin situation to her she was quick to say that she felt that was probably the whole reason for his behavior. Between them they got him to phone another friend of ours who is also a drug and alcohol counselor (this all happened after I had left with the children). M spoke with him for quite some time, and between them they decided that M was being properly medically managed by his doctor and that the problem was that he was off of his medications. My friend T took him to get refills (and lent us the money to do that). M phoned me at my mom's house before bed and apologized. I accepted his apology. I'm hoping that this is a new beginning for him. I realize this might be an issue that relates to his sobriety date but honestly I feel that that decision needs to come from him (honesty) and perhaps with consultation from his sponsor or these others in the rooms he might come to that decision. Either way I will stay on the side of supporting him as long as he is honest and trying to do his best to get off of these meds and follow his doctor's instructions.

I do not want to drink over this, and I don't plan to. I am back at work, showing up for my life, which is what my program taught me to do. I prayed for him many times last night and I feel those prayers were answered. I asked that he be open to listen to what our friends were telling him and that he be receptive to them, and he was. He feels especially remorseful for what dd#1 heard him say. He has fences to mend and he knows that. He apologied again this morning and although I accept his apology I did not say "That's o.k." because it wasn't o.k. But it is forgiven. I think we are on a long road but at least we are on it together. I feel hopeful today, more than in quite a while.

From Hazelton's The Language of Letting Go:

Accepting Change

"Today I will be open to the process of change. I will trust my Higher Power and believe that the place where I'll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me wherever I need to go."

Good Benzo Information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine

Yesterday sucked

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I don't have those very often anymore since getting sober, which is beyond wonderful. I need to remember that I used to have those all the time, certainly more often than not. Today I am blessed to be having a pretty good day. And I am grateful that yesterday is in the past, it's over. OK, here's what happened.

First off I guess it's time to mention that hubby is addicted to klonopin. He is not a recreational user, he was given a script by his G.P. two years ago for his chronic sleeping disorder and probably also anxiety. He has never been a drug user. He is a recovering alkie with almost 10 years sober. So after using the .5 mg for a while that stopped working so he upped the dose, with Dr's permission, to 1 mg. And then upped it again to 1.5mg, then up to 2mg. All with Dr's knowledge and OK. Well, you know what happened next. I got pregnant with child #2 and was at this point totally aware that he was addicted to the klonopin, which for a while he denied since he was "just doing what the Dr said". So the whole thing isn't his fault, which I recognize, but he's still trying to kick the shit now.

But every month he runs short of pills and ends up in this frenzied anxious state where for a day or two he can't get them refilled. I don't know really if this is b/c he's not getting enough to last the month or if he takes too much of them from time to time, and honestly I don't really care. I just know that every month our family goes through a couple days of pretty much hell with hubby not able to sleep and being stressed out, anxious and very short on patience. He also can't work during that time b/c being sleep deprived makes him feel hung over.

Sunday night he ran out of some of his pills. Actually it wasn't the klonopin that apparently was the problem, it was going off his lexapro. He didn't sleep at all Sunday night to speak of. Monday morning he woke me at 5 and told me that I had to get the kids to points a and b since he couldn't drive or function properly. I left him alone at home all day while I got dd#1 to one grandma and dd#2 to the other grandma and went to work all day. After work I picked the kids up and had a frozen pizza at his mother's house with the kids. I figured there was no point in coming home early since I know he'd be in no good state to have family time. I got home with the kids just after 8pm.

He was still sleeping, the house was totally dark. He woke up sort of when we came in and as I was getting the baby into her jammies he stumbled out of the bedroom. He staggered around like he was drunk and I was so scared as he has never acted this way before. He was slurring his words and as he reached up into the kitchen cabinet to get a glass he knocked several others over (plastic) into the sink. I said, "what did you take?" and he replied "nothing" but I didn't believe him b/c he was acting like he was on something. He left the kitchen and collapsed so heavily on our bed that it sounded like he fell on the floor. I took him to the ER where they told us (after the 3 hour wait) that this was probably a reaction to going off the lexapro. They gave him another dose of another benzo to get him back to sleep and sent us home. I was secretly hoping they would admit him, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe so I could just get a break from dealing with this.

So yesterday (Tuesday, remember that was the really bad day) he went to see his psychiatric person (not a psychiatrist but a pnp) and they worked out this whole medication situation. When I got home I got a total blow by blow of what he's supposed to take, what he's tapering off of, what the plans are, and on and on and on until I literally wanted to bang my head against the wall. You see my hubby has problems retaining information sometimes (he thinks one way but the words tend to come out a bit differently, this happens more often than not). So while he was telling me the details of his appointment he kept repeating himself and starting the story over again. I think I was told several key points at least 4 times. His mother was at our house at the time (she came down to help watch the kids since he was in no state to do that) and thank god she was there. She helps diffuse things sometimes. She's used to him I guess b/c his father had a lot of these traits. Hubby's father was a horrible alcoholic and was terribly abusive to his mom and all of the kids. Hubby was a lot like a hothouse flower growing up, never got much attention or love or anything but a lot of negative tearing down stuff. He's really come a long way and is still working on himself, as am I.

And to top that all off I had a shitty day at work. No need to go into that and give it any more weight than I already have, but suffice to say that I don't enjoy conflict with others and I had some yesterday. It seems to have blown over so I won't go into it now. Don't want to jinx anything.

I did end the day with a meeting which was the best thing I could have done. I still need to call my sponsor though. Naughty naughty. I want to enjoy something simple today like going home and smelling my baby's head. It might be clean and smell like lavender baby soap. That's one of my favorite smells. I can't wait until hubby goes back to work, which he is supposed to do tomorrow. I've been the major breadwinner this winter which totally sucks. I want to have $10 in my wallet that I can feel ok about blowing on a coffee or whatever. Patience. And I'm trying to remember to BREATHE.....I spend way too much time in the land of "what if"....

From the Evolution of Jeremiah:

Four Jobs I have had in my life: (that I was paid for)

-Administrative Assistant
-Veterinary Assistant
-Bookkeeper
-Marketing Director

Four Movies I would watch/have watched over and over:
-Little Darlings
-The Bourne Identity/Conspiracy/and the other one
-The Sound of Music
-Finding Nemo

Four Places I have lived:
- Miami, Florida
- San Francisco, CA
- Greenwich, CT
- Vermont

Four TV Shows that I watch:
- Law & Order (especially Criminal Intent)
- House
- The News
- Sprout (PBS 24 hr preschool channel)

Four Places I have visited:
- London, England
- Greece
- Norway
- Hawaii

Four People who email me regularly:
- Jeremy
- Amy
- Mom
- Terye

Four Favorite Foods:
- Pasta
- Good Bread
- Chicken Alfredo
- Broccoli

Four Places I would like to be right now:
- San Diego
- Disney World Florida
- Hawaii
- 9 Beaches, Bermuda

Four Things I am looking forward to this year:
- Spring and summer
- Our family vacation week
- Travelling for work
- Not seeing any snow for 6 months

Four People who should post Four Things:

Any takers??

One of my favorite definitions of serenity!

Strange day today. But I did get to a meeting and it was really a good one. Small, like some of the meetings around here can be, just 6 people. A Big Book meeting, and today we read the 12th step (Chapter 7 I think). It reminds me that my sobriety is precious because it is a gift, and that to keep that gift I must be ever willing to give it away. I can share the message, I can be an example to others and I can try to live a sober, responsible life today.

And that's what I'm trying to do. I think I fell short of the mark today. I have had a conflictual relationship with someone at work and today I am not sure that my motives were in the right place. I think I am letting self will run a bit riot and I can't afford to do that. I don't know if I can undo what I did, or even if that is the right thing to do, but I can be more responsible for my actions and not continue to act in a non-sober way. Or at least not act in a way that later makes me question my motives. I have to remember that as an alcoholic I can't afford to relish in even justifiable anger. And I have no right to act out of resentment or retaliation whether or not the wrongs done to me are real or imagined. I have the responsibility to be completely honest with myself and another human being.

My next call will be to my sponsor! And I will sleep better tonight knowing that I've posted this.