Or so it seemed. I guess it is kind of akin to living in a glass house and not realizing it until you begin throwing stones around and everything around you starts to crack and shatter.
Last night hubby had a total meltdown. It began right after he picked me up from work. He suddenly got totally focused on putting the muffler back on my car (it had fallen off during the winter and we just decided to leave it off till the snow was finally gone). He claimed this wouldn't take long. After more than an hour of waiting, I said for about the 5th or 6th time that I'd really like to get going to run our errands and get home in time to get dinner for the kids and have a normal bedtime (something we've been working hard to develop, a set routine for nighttime especially for 5 yr old dd#1).
Well that was the button and I sure pushed it. He freaked out and started yelling at me, he pulled the muffler off the car and threw it at me across the yard (I don't think he was meaning to actually hit me but he did throw it in my direction). I stood still for a minute out of pure shock mostly (I was holding the baby at this time) and I said to dd#1 to come into the house with me. He was still yelling, all kinds of things like "I can't do anything right! I'm so sick of you, you're such a bitch! Just get away from me for a couple of hours!" I went in and started to pack a bag for overnight. I felt strangly calm. The changing table is against the window so I could see him while I was dressing the baby. He had opened the downstairs (our storage) doors and was heaving our stuff into the front yard. His tirade continued but he began speaking of himself in the third person, which was interesting. "M can't clean right! M can't manage money right! M doesn't work enough! M is stupid"! And lots of other things I can't remember. Oh and the word "FUCK!" accompanied every statement out of his mouth.
dd#1 at age 5 of course will probably remember some of this. That is very unfortunate. When I had my things together and was leaving, I addressed him for the first time. I had to raise my voice so that I could be heard over him. I said, "You are terrorizing your children. Listen to yourself. You are doing to them the same thing your father did to you." Then we got in the car and left.
I ended up down the hill at our friend's house and I was able to ask for help (my program at work). They are a married couple and I asked the husband, W, to please go up and check on M. I stayed with them for about an hour and then I went on to my mother's house (40 minutes away) where we spent the night. My friend T used to be a drug and alcohol counselor and is also in recovery (they both are actually, with over 15 years clean and sober). As I described the klonopin situation to her she was quick to say that she felt that was probably the whole reason for his behavior. Between them they got him to phone another friend of ours who is also a drug and alcohol counselor (this all happened after I had left with the children). M spoke with him for quite some time, and between them they decided that M was being properly medically managed by his doctor and that the problem was that he was off of his medications. My friend T took him to get refills (and lent us the money to do that). M phoned me at my mom's house before bed and apologized. I accepted his apology. I'm hoping that this is a new beginning for him. I realize this might be an issue that relates to his sobriety date but honestly I feel that that decision needs to come from him (honesty) and perhaps with consultation from his sponsor or these others in the rooms he might come to that decision. Either way I will stay on the side of supporting him as long as he is honest and trying to do his best to get off of these meds and follow his doctor's instructions.
I do not want to drink over this, and I don't plan to. I am back at work, showing up for my life, which is what my program taught me to do. I prayed for him many times last night and I feel those prayers were answered. I asked that he be open to listen to what our friends were telling him and that he be receptive to them, and he was. He feels especially remorseful for what dd#1 heard him say. He has fences to mend and he knows that. He apologied again this morning and although I accept his apology I did not say "That's o.k." because it wasn't o.k. But it is forgiven. I think we are on a long road but at least we are on it together. I feel hopeful today, more than in quite a while.
From Hazelton's The Language of Letting Go:
Accepting Change
"Today I will be open to the process of change. I will trust my Higher Power and believe that the place where I'll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me wherever I need to go."
Good Benzo Information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine
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