Yesterday sucked

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I don't have those very often anymore since getting sober, which is beyond wonderful. I need to remember that I used to have those all the time, certainly more often than not. Today I am blessed to be having a pretty good day. And I am grateful that yesterday is in the past, it's over. OK, here's what happened.

First off I guess it's time to mention that hubby is addicted to klonopin. He is not a recreational user, he was given a script by his G.P. two years ago for his chronic sleeping disorder and probably also anxiety. He has never been a drug user. He is a recovering alkie with almost 10 years sober. So after using the .5 mg for a while that stopped working so he upped the dose, with Dr's permission, to 1 mg. And then upped it again to 1.5mg, then up to 2mg. All with Dr's knowledge and OK. Well, you know what happened next. I got pregnant with child #2 and was at this point totally aware that he was addicted to the klonopin, which for a while he denied since he was "just doing what the Dr said". So the whole thing isn't his fault, which I recognize, but he's still trying to kick the shit now.

But every month he runs short of pills and ends up in this frenzied anxious state where for a day or two he can't get them refilled. I don't know really if this is b/c he's not getting enough to last the month or if he takes too much of them from time to time, and honestly I don't really care. I just know that every month our family goes through a couple days of pretty much hell with hubby not able to sleep and being stressed out, anxious and very short on patience. He also can't work during that time b/c being sleep deprived makes him feel hung over.

Sunday night he ran out of some of his pills. Actually it wasn't the klonopin that apparently was the problem, it was going off his lexapro. He didn't sleep at all Sunday night to speak of. Monday morning he woke me at 5 and told me that I had to get the kids to points a and b since he couldn't drive or function properly. I left him alone at home all day while I got dd#1 to one grandma and dd#2 to the other grandma and went to work all day. After work I picked the kids up and had a frozen pizza at his mother's house with the kids. I figured there was no point in coming home early since I know he'd be in no good state to have family time. I got home with the kids just after 8pm.

He was still sleeping, the house was totally dark. He woke up sort of when we came in and as I was getting the baby into her jammies he stumbled out of the bedroom. He staggered around like he was drunk and I was so scared as he has never acted this way before. He was slurring his words and as he reached up into the kitchen cabinet to get a glass he knocked several others over (plastic) into the sink. I said, "what did you take?" and he replied "nothing" but I didn't believe him b/c he was acting like he was on something. He left the kitchen and collapsed so heavily on our bed that it sounded like he fell on the floor. I took him to the ER where they told us (after the 3 hour wait) that this was probably a reaction to going off the lexapro. They gave him another dose of another benzo to get him back to sleep and sent us home. I was secretly hoping they would admit him, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe so I could just get a break from dealing with this.

So yesterday (Tuesday, remember that was the really bad day) he went to see his psychiatric person (not a psychiatrist but a pnp) and they worked out this whole medication situation. When I got home I got a total blow by blow of what he's supposed to take, what he's tapering off of, what the plans are, and on and on and on until I literally wanted to bang my head against the wall. You see my hubby has problems retaining information sometimes (he thinks one way but the words tend to come out a bit differently, this happens more often than not). So while he was telling me the details of his appointment he kept repeating himself and starting the story over again. I think I was told several key points at least 4 times. His mother was at our house at the time (she came down to help watch the kids since he was in no state to do that) and thank god she was there. She helps diffuse things sometimes. She's used to him I guess b/c his father had a lot of these traits. Hubby's father was a horrible alcoholic and was terribly abusive to his mom and all of the kids. Hubby was a lot like a hothouse flower growing up, never got much attention or love or anything but a lot of negative tearing down stuff. He's really come a long way and is still working on himself, as am I.

And to top that all off I had a shitty day at work. No need to go into that and give it any more weight than I already have, but suffice to say that I don't enjoy conflict with others and I had some yesterday. It seems to have blown over so I won't go into it now. Don't want to jinx anything.

I did end the day with a meeting which was the best thing I could have done. I still need to call my sponsor though. Naughty naughty. I want to enjoy something simple today like going home and smelling my baby's head. It might be clean and smell like lavender baby soap. That's one of my favorite smells. I can't wait until hubby goes back to work, which he is supposed to do tomorrow. I've been the major breadwinner this winter which totally sucks. I want to have $10 in my wallet that I can feel ok about blowing on a coffee or whatever. Patience. And I'm trying to remember to BREATHE.....I spend way too much time in the land of "what if"....