Life in the time of transitions

"Transition" is defined as "a passage: the act of passing from one state or place to the next". I guess I'm constantly in a state of transition. I wish that I could push the pause button sometimes, so I can get slowly acclimated to the states a little bit at a time. Kind of like when you go swimming on a not too hot day, or the water is kind of colder than you expected, and you get in little by little. I guess plunging in is usually better since you're going to get wet anyway.

I went to a really good meeting last night. There was a woman there who has been sober for a number of years and she is in a lot of pain because her grown son is an active alcoholic and he can't get sober. He has just lost his sight and is now blind due to his disease. It is her deepest wish that he get sober and experience some joy before he dies. Her pain was tangible. She doesn't understand why she got sober and he can't.

Why do some of us find our way out of the madness of active addiction and others don't? I know this is an unanswerable question, better left up to others with more spiritual wisdom or insight than me. Practicing detachment around this is really hard, and the closer I am to a person who can't get sober the more painful it is to watch. I am grateful that no members of my immediate family (still living) are in this situation right now. My sister in law was but she has already died. Dying at age 41 from complications directly related to alcoholism. She tried to get sober and just couldn't get it. Watching my husband and his mother and brother go through that was horrible. Finding out about her death devastated us. What a waste of a life, of a vibrant spirit. I miss you JCB and I know you are watching over my children.

My greatest blessings

What a stressful week I've had. My oldest child is starting kindergarten in a couple of weeks, and although I knew this would be challenging and a transition for both of us, I grossly underestimated how much it would affect me. I feel like I"m in mourning for her babyhood.

We also are in the process of changing childcare providers for our girls. Logistical issues have dictated the need for this, as the existing childcare arrangement is in a neighboring town, not convenient to the new school. Finding daycare has been a challenge and more stressful than I thought. Again, I underestimated myself and the situation. I have found a good situation and I'm in the process of checking the last of the references. So far it all looks good although I got a scare yesterday around it. I guess there was a rumor about the quality of care at the place we're considering, and when I learned about that I totally fell apart. I was crying at the daycare center and couldn't manage to go to work until I collected myself. I've been on the emotional edge lately anyway, so it's time for the tears to flow.

I just feel a lot like a juggler these days, a juggler with too many balls in the air. And I've been functioning in the mode of "do it yourself" which is dangerous for me. I always need to ask for help, to remember to reach out to my support network, to cry on the shoulders of my women friends. I finally did that on Wednesday night at a woman's AA meeting. About 6 of the women stayed after the meeting and listened to me cry and talked to me for an hour. I've never had that experience before and it was wonderful. These women and this program is such a blessing in my life.

I'm grateful. Money is tighter than ever, but I'm starting to see progress on the home front. Hubby is ready to change his ways in terms of how he lives, cleaning up, putting things away, and the like. I am rejoicing. Let the sky open up and the angels sing! Have a good weekend. I'll try to post again soon.

Here are two of my greatest blessings.