Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Love this!

I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She's going ... she's going ... she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this." It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:"To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
* No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
* These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
* They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
* The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."
And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want himto want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add,"You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

EMAIL AMY IN THE HOSPITAL

Hi all of my friends,

If you know Amy Harrison DiMaggio, please send her an email in the hospital so that she knows you are thinking of her and praying for her! If you need the address (email or link to the hospital), please email me at: trish@oakmeadow.com


Let's send her lots of love! Thanks!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Amy heads to the hospital tomorrow

She is in my thoughts and prayers. She'll have 5 days of chemo twice a day before her stem cell transplant. Thanks for sending prayers/goodwishes/goodkarma/light candles, whatever you do. I am holding her up to my higher power.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

There is hope

Things at my work are changing. I have a lot of hope for the near future. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a career, not a job. I am rejoicing!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My comment to The Junky's Wife, from March of this year:

You are a courageous woman, and I have a deep respect for your courage. I'm a recent add-on to your reader-following, and I have to say I am captivated by your words and by the life you are living. BTW I am a recovering alcoholic, celebrating 9 years sober this month, and I am married to another recovering alcoholic, he will have 10 years sober in July of this year. We have 2 children. (BTW, don't have kids with this man unless he recovers.)

I am so struck by "Let's Reconsider". Specifically, at the end where you state:

"If I kept in mind that I am sacred to myself, that my happiness and well-being must come first, and that I am obligated to myself to make the most of every minute of my life, I wouldn't live like this."

How true. And even though I have read many times how completely and totally in love you are with this man, the question remains: is love enough? I have loved men who were not capable of loving me the way I deserved, and although I was addicted to these relationships in the end I walked away. These men treated me in ways that are echoed in your blog. I look back on those relationships today and can't believe that I remained in them, justifying the kinds of behavior I tolerated, and for whatever sick reason I believed that these relationships would change somehow; I believed that I could be the catalyst for that change. I was wrong. What I really had to do was to face myself, to accept myself, to love myself.

Perspective is a tricky thing. When we are "in the midst" of our experience we don't have a good view. Usually its when we've come out the other side that we can see the lessons we've learned and the growth and positive change gained. Generally this is after a lot of pain and heartache. I'm not sure why but it seems necessary, and this is i'm sure why we can't usually learn from each other's mistakes, we have to make our own. Or maybe its unfair to call them mistakes, since all of our experiences contribute to the people we are.

I wish there was some way I could ease your pain, or spare you some of it, or really help you. Instead I feel oddly like I'm a voyer, watching an accident happen in slow motion over and over. I am happy for you that you have a program in your life and steps to work to help you grow into who you are supposed to be. I pray that your husband reaches his bottom (and he might if you can find ways to stop enabling him - like with $$) and finds his own way to recovery. I am not judging, I hope you can hear that. I wish you joy and healing, and I wish you peace.

Crazy heat wave


This is rediculous. I am not one who does well in heat. Growing up in Miami you would think I am more acclimated to it than I am. I am a total bitch when I get overheated. Here in New England, air conditioning isn't necessarily percieved as needed, since there are about 2-3 weeks during the summer when the heat and humidity become oppressive. The rest of the time it's pretty bearable. Unless you happen to be me, of course.

So we have no a/c in our apartment and our living space is on the second floor, and the nights have been terrible. During the day I am at my office (thank god) and there is air conditioning here. At least I can breathe! I am tempted to just throw down a sheet and sleep on the floor at work. Over the weekend I filled up my car with the last of the $3.99 gas and drove around with the kids just to have the air conditioner on. I didn't even care that the a/c uses a ton of gas. When you're that hot, you just don't care about money!

We don't usually get terrible heat like this until July. Global warming, no joke. This heat wave (it is a wave since it is on day 4) is supposed to break tomorrow with torrental thunderstorms. There is even a tornado watch right now for our area. Sheesh. I think we've really pissed Mother Nature off with all of our planet raping over the years. It's payback time. I am headed to the river with hubby and kids after work. Time to cool off...