9th Step

The 9th step in 12-step programs is to make direct amends to all the people we’ve harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. This doesn’t sound easy, and frequently it isn’t. One of the things that makes the 9th step difficult is that the people one needs to make amends to are often angry or difficult to approach. In this situation, talking to others who have experience with carrying out the 9th step can be invaluable. However, in dealing with particularly volatile or long-standing problems, especially with family members, additional help may be useful in easing the process. One way to get help is to use mediation.

Mediation was developed specifically to resolve interpersonal conflict. It involves a structured process in which each party tells their story, followed by a discussion of the issues each party raises. The goal of the mediator is not to judge or diagnose or treat, but rather to help the parties understand each other by engaging in open dialog, and if possible to forge a joint vision for their relationship in the future. The success rate of mediation in helping parties reach agreement is very high, and often in the process the magic of forgiveness and reconciliation are made possible.

In cases where the person or people who we need to make amends to are very angry or reluctant for other reasons to talk to us, mediators can also provide coaching as to how to approach them and how to communicate in a way that makes it easier for them to hear us.

As difficult and painful as carrying out the 9th step may be, it offers many benefits. One of the greatest benefits may be peace of mind. Making amends is a step that often allows us to breathe more easily and sleep more peacefully at night. This is especially so if making amends leads to forgiveness. Both giving and receiving forgiveness have been shown to benefit physical health as well as lightening anxiety and depression. Engaging in the process of making amends is truly a contribution to others as well as to ourselves.